cw: body issues, mental health

i'm not very good at putting my emotions into words, but recently I have been feeling "down in the dumps." a few of my friends have noticed and i know they want to help, but they can only help so much, y'know? it's really all up to me at this point. i've struggled with my body for the longest time. i gained so much weight as a little girl, but did not feel affected by it until some family members made some comments about it. here i am, sat over ten years later, truly affected by it. it all hit me when i couldn't fit on a roller coaster ride. there's nothing more embarrassing then being told you can't ride a ride because the harness isn't down all the way.

i don't really know why i'm writing this, but just bear with me and i'm sorry for the lack of proper punctualization(?), i just can't be bothered

but recently, my mind hasn't been right. normally i just shrug off my problems and say ill fix it one day. even though i've been feeling worse and worse, i still have that mentality if i'm honest.

im scared. what if i lose weight, what will happen? what if i don't lose weight, what will happen? can i still get a career in the field i want? will i be alright mentally? will i maintain my friendships? will i form new relationships? i just have so many questions and i know i won't get the answers right now and i'm scared.

i don't want to let anyone down. i know that sounds stupid: i should only do this for myself. but i ramble and i moan and i complain about myself so much but i never do anything about it. i don't want that all to be for nothing if you know what i mean.

i need help. i can't do this on my own. i know i have the support from my friends but i want a personal trainer and i know that sounds ridiculous, but i just don't know if i have the motivation to get my butt moving if i don't have one. i miss my mom cooking all the time. she would cook my healthier meal so that would be one less thing to worry about.

im going to end this here. i know its abrupt and ill probably write a second part to this another day. i've been finding comfort in writing my feelings down, even if it's as basic as can be. typing is easier compared to writing it all down and maybe someone out there can help me. i know this won't reach a big audience, but it's worth a shot.

-s.